happy, interrupted.

the problem with happiness, i've discovered, is that it's really f*ing hard to be happy all the time.
during a recent goal coaching session with a fellow designer, she shared with me that she choses words to set her new year by instead of making new years resolutions (which as we all know are too easily broken).
i thought this was brilliant. i'm not a new year's resolution fan at all (see previous paragraph above) and i often find the intentions to be hollow and forced.

in class new years day, my yoga instructor advised instead of setting resolutions, she was vowing to never say anything to herself that she wouldn't say to a friend.
i also thought this was brilliant. how much harder are we on ourselves? how many times have we (or i, in case this boat might be more of a canoe, or perhaps a kayak) stood in front of the mirror in the morning thinking 'how the hell did that get so large?' only to turn around and reassure a girlfriend 'you're crazy, you look amazing' even though yes, she actually does look like she gained 5 lbs?

so far, i've failed miserably at following my yoga instructor's advice. however, i am determined to follow in the footsteps of my coworker. thus the birth of 'own your happy'.
i've decided my words for 2010 are 'happy', 'trust', and 'calm'. all of which are separately achievable yet fully dependent on each other.

i feel like for the past 5 years of my life, i've been constantly in search of something...a new job, the next promotion, that covetable pair of pierre hardy GAP wedges (last year, in case you forgot). i've said 'yes' to every opportunity that's come my way--and as a result i've had a very successful, and very fulfilled career. i've gotten loads of opportunities, i'm well traveled, and i've been to asia more times than i can count on two hands. my passport just had new pages added, and one of them now has a work permit for canada attached.

however great these accomplishments have been, lately it's been feeling like it's not enough. all the traveling is pointless if there's nobody at home waiting to welcome you back. i love my cat to pieces, but even he could've cared less, especially since i left him at a cat hotel where he got fresh catnip and playtime every minute of the day.

maybe it's my birthday coming up this week. i'm turning another year older, and again, the only remarkable accomplishments i have to sum up number 27 is a new job and a new city--the same as number 26...the same as number 24....the same as number 23...

this year i had an additional accomplishment--it was the first time in my life i'd ever been on unemployment. i was laid off back in june. i'd felt like my life had been ripped out from under me and i wasn't even sure i wanted another job in the industry that had just betrayed me. a career change felt right, however, poverty did not, and i took a new job in a new city in a new country.

maybe it's the jet lag from asia...maybe it was spending a weekend in fast-paced hong kong...but i've been having doubts as to whether this was the right decision. i miss my old friends, my old city. i miss normal television, kashi flakes, hot vinyasa flow, and decent sense of fashion.

i broke down on the phone last night with my mom. this happened around thanksgiving as well. despite my doubts, i know that the real deep-seated issues are not the new job, the new city, or even the new country with it's skewed sense of fashion--it's because i'm lonely. no matter how much i want to pretend that i'm fine being single, it's not fine any longer. i haven't dated (aside from the occasional first date) in a very, very long time. so long, i was actually still in school. i'm not even going to assign a year--it's far too embarrassing and far too painful. i've watched way too many friends/classmates get engaged/buy houses/get pregnant (some in that order--some not) and recently all the other eternally single friends of mine are no longer so. 'a killer career' only gets one so far in life. i actually envision coworkers shaking their heads and muttering 'work-a-holic' when they see me. why? because i remember saying the same thing about MY boss when i was younger--chalking up her long hours not to the fact that her position might actually demand it, but instead to the fact that she must have no life.

well, looks like the shoe's on the other foot now.

getting back to my original intention--my mantra or words for 2010.
happy--i will find what makes me happy and i will own it.
trust--i will learn to trust myself first. when i can learn to trust myself and my decisions i've made in life, this will then open me up to trust my friends, coworkers, and hopefully, potential mate in life.
calm--i will learn to let go, and i will learn to relax.

it's a small start...but it's a start nonetheless.