Sunday, March 20, 2011

all stirred up

it's been a crazy week, between the disaster in japan and libya, combined with initial proto and the 'will we or won't we' of onsite, it's no wonder friday at 2 pm i hit a wall of sheer exhaustion.
the weekend didn't get any easier, but it's been amazing. one of self-discovery and responsibility. thank you seane corn workshop and my amazing vancouver family.

here's my reply to oh-my-life. if you haven't heard of this online journal, i highly suggest you sign up. it's amazing. it allows me to ramble to the universe without dragging others into my vortex. although today i felt the need to share.

this post was about ownership and accountability. by posting this, i am forcing the universe to hold me accountable for my actions.

'today (well, yesterday, since i'm actually writing this sunday morning) was a good day.
it started off bittresweet with a flow class in honor of jayna at 6 am.
i was greeted with darkness and the sky was raining ice cubes. appropriate as it matched my mood.

the class was amazing. danielle led it, and it was mostly gentle stretching, followed by meditation and a namaste circle. never in my life have i felt so connected to those around me.
i've been struggling with living so remotely from my family, and in that moment i realized that while i might not have this person, or that person near me, it doesn't mean i'm alone or that i'm not supported. it just means that my 'family' now is one built up of love, like mindedness and community rather than blood.

in her workshop, seane corn didn't get past the first chakra, which is the one that grounds, supports, stabilizes...the one that has been overactive in my body for the past 5 years.
i realized while listening to her that i've been blaming everything else in my life for the way that i am, instead of taking personal responsibility for it. i can't blame my crazy work hours or the lack of 'social guys in vancouver' for being single, i have to accept that until i love myself, there will be no space in my life to love another human being.

at this moment it is clear to me that the reason the universe put me in vancouver is to learn to love. to love myself, to open myself up to friends that i love, and to eventually learn to trust and love another human being. i am also certain that when i meet this person, he will be my partner for life. i am an old soul, as will he be. i do not love a lot, and neither will he.

my heart is so full at the moment i am on the verge of overflowing, and i'll probably lose it in class today, which is fine. i have a fear of showing emotion, and this is one step towards healing and becoming the person i am meant to be.

learning to love is difficult, and realizing that i am responsible for creating this will not be an easy road to travel.'