random ramblings. aka mental diarrea.

today was day 2 of my second week of yoga teacher training.
it's interesting what's come up for me now, in comparison to what came up for me last time.

i remember entering into it last time in a place of stagnation. i was neither here nor there, and couldn't shake a feeling of entrapment. suffocated by the idea of 'i have to do this' or 'i can't do that'. i remember being in a place where i was questioning how i was, what my identity was. part of this feeling of suffocation was stemming from an inquiry within myself as to what i wanted to do with the rest of my life, who i wanted to be. i'd always been a fashion designer (a successful one at that) and who would i be if i was no longer this successful thing?

what would i answer to the always present question of: 'what's new' if it wasn't work related?
where would i travel if it wasn't for work? would i travel if it wasn't for work?

who would i be?

it's scary shit to strip away all the identities we associate ourselves with to get down to the core of what makes us us. and i was in a place of fear, clinging to the identity of 'designer' because i was scared that without it, i would be nothing.

what i realized during those 9 days was that this wasn't an identity that i was stuck with, or had to be, but rather an identity that i had chosen for myself. i am a designer because i want to be, not because i have to be. i'm a designer because i love vintage handbags, accessories in general, and really killer style. i'm single not because i have to be, but because i choose to be. i'd rather be single than in a relationship with someone who isn't worth my time.

restoring this choice back into my life, no matter how small it may seem, has been unbelievably liberating.

right now, i'm in a place of extreme gratitude. a place of thankfulness, for my family, my friends, and the blessings God has given me. i'm on the cusp of a new, wonderful, and amazing journey.